PHOTO OF THE DAY

It just made me smile to see it today.

Life Lessons

      In the past 48 hours God has been teaching me. It wasn't until this morning that I figured that out. For the past 2 years I have not felt God's presence as I have for many many years. I always knew He was protecting me, strengthening me and comforting me.  So where did He go? I asked myself that over and over this past 2 years. Was He gone? Did He not care about me any more? Where was His comfort? I felt abandoned. In my heart I knew from experience He was not gone just quiet. I was reaching the point I started questioning His presence. I could talk the talk but I didn't want to walk the walk anymore.

     In the past 48 hours I saw a picture that brought out more pain in my heart that anyone can imagine. It was on Facebook (oh yea) isn't that fun. NOT! Then 18 hours ago I was driving to Mom's house and a song overwhelmed me. It was like 24 years of my life hit me in the face. I all of a sudden felt that old pain. Tears stung my eyes I started feeling the old panic attacks and crushing pain. But, then I realized God had delivered me from the Lions Den. I was free from fear and pain and it was God that saved me.

    A beautiful day yesterday kept me busy in my garden. I use to have roses that I poured my soul out on. They thrilled me to see the beautiful blooms. I saw God in the small things. The digging in the dirt, pulling out the weeds, watering, and caring for them gave my heart such joy. Yesterday was the first day I got that joy again.

     With a good nights sleep I woke up with this "give God 5 minutes of quiet". I thought why but I knew I needed to and what is 5 minutes? So, I sat down and gave Him 5 minutes. That is when I realized God's grace had been protecting me from that old pain. WOW. The hurts in life never go away. They are always there forever. Just under the surface. I briefly saw Sandra Bullock say that on TV, in an old interview,  last night. I wasn't even in the room with the TV but, God made sure I heard that. She is right. When you let go and let God have a pain He takes it. Forgive and forget. How often we forgive but can't forget. I think this past 2 days has reminded me God has taken that pain and He can give it back any time I want it back. Part of being free from being molested as a 8 year old and again at 13, raped, and verbally abused means God has been hard at work in my life keeping me from feeling that pain. I think feeling that pain made me feel closer to God. But, I do not want to feel that pain so God can take it back and I will know that "not feeling that pain" means God is close to me. If not remembering that pain is God's closeness then I have to remember He is close to me and hard at work in my life.

FORGIVE AND FORGET is not something we humans are capable of doing. Giving it to God is the only way. God has helped me forget the pain. I know it is there just under the surface but I do not need to cry over it or physically feel the pain that it has caused. The scar is there but the pain is eased.

I WIN!!! (if you don't get that then it is for me only)

If you read this to the end here is a message for you."I pray God will help you feel the peace that passes understanding and God bless and protect you too."

I am "Special"

Going through the "STUFF" I found the Texas tea spoon. Being an air force brat meant we moved every 3 years. I never had a place I could ever tell someone I was from. You get the question Where are you from? What do you say? My parents were born and raised in Pittsburgh, PA, my grandparents were from Scotland, and I was born in Texas then moved to Hawaii at 6 months. I leaned to talk while in Hawaii so I guess you could say I was from there. NOT! Some friends of my parents were from Baton Rouge, LA and they had a young daughter. I must have spent a lot of time with that family because I spoke with a southern accent, so I was told over and over. It was so different and with 5 kids in the family - no one but me had that accent. I remember being told I was different - they (my whole family) told everyone they could - what was wrong with me. How? Why? When they told anyone I was born in TX they would respond "well no wonder she has a southern accent". I wanted to be part of my family but was always set aside as different. When Dad was assigned to Keesler AFB, MS I thought now I will sound like everyone else. Southerners now made fun of me for being from somewhere else. What the Freak!! Even in the south I was not from this part of the country either. I have been made fun of all and I mean all my life whenever I talked to anyone. North made fun of my southern accent. South made fun of my whatever accent. And Kansas people made fun of me and my daughter for having a southern accent. When they started in on my daughter the fangs came out. No one and I mean no one was going to make fun of my child. Like I could really stop them.

So just where am I going with all of this? The spoon. That crazy spoon my father, (which is what I called him and that is northern) not daddy (which is southern), brought home that spoon from his trip to Texas was my identity. As a little girl I thought my father brought that home just for me (NOT). A foreign country that I was from. A place I wanted to go back to so that I could think I was normal. I always looked at that spoon and knew I was from a great place. It was the biggest state well until Alaska anyway. I was proud that is where I was from. That crazy Texas tea spoon gave me pride! A place to call home - Where I was from!!! I always wanted people to know I was born in Texas after that. I still did not want the accent but I had the spoon.

When my daughter moved to Texas I think I was kind of excited. She was going to my home state. hahahaha Now they made fun of our southern accent. I loved when we would go somewhere in Texas and someone would try and belittle me for being from MS with a southern accent. I would look at them and say "I am from Texas and was born in Texas". I loved the look on their faces when their chin would drop to the floor. I know I know that is revenge (MY BAD).

Finding that spoon this week in all the stuff was so much fun. It gave me such joy. I have the memory "That is where I am from and my father bought that spoon just for me because I am special".

Panic

I have a little pain today from Sunday's run but not bad at all. I am planning to get some running in today or tomorrow. After that I am off to see my sweet daughter and grand daughter for some fun. I hope to fit in a short walk while I am out there. The walking might in tale some window shopping but that would be good too.

I think I am having a panic attack about all that I have coming up to do and get done. Just bought a house and we close on the 15th. I am starting a list of to do's and will work on one thing at a time.