In the past 48 hours God has been teaching me. It wasn't until this morning that I figured that out. For the past 2 years I have not felt God's presence as I have for many many years. I always knew He was protecting me, strengthening me and comforting me. So where did He go? I asked myself that over and over this past 2 years. Was He gone? Did He not care about me any more? Where was His comfort? I felt abandoned. In my heart I knew from experience He was not gone just quiet. I was reaching the point I started questioning His presence. I could talk the talk but I didn't want to walk the walk anymore.
In the past 48 hours I saw a picture that brought out more pain in my heart that anyone can imagine. It was on Facebook (oh yea) isn't that fun. NOT! Then 18 hours ago I was driving to Mom's house and a song overwhelmed me. It was like 24 years of my life hit me in the face. I all of a sudden felt that old pain. Tears stung my eyes I started feeling the old panic attacks and crushing pain. But, then I realized God had delivered me from the Lions Den. I was free from fear and pain and it was God that saved me.
A beautiful day yesterday kept me busy in my garden. I use to have roses that I poured my soul out on. They thrilled me to see the beautiful blooms. I saw God in the small things. The digging in the dirt, pulling out the weeds, watering, and caring for them gave my heart such joy. Yesterday was the first day I got that joy again.
With a good nights sleep I woke up with this "give God 5 minutes of quiet". I thought why but I knew I needed to and what is 5 minutes? So, I sat down and gave Him 5 minutes. That is when I realized God's grace had been protecting me from that old pain. WOW. The hurts in life never go away. They are always there forever. Just under the surface. I briefly saw Sandra Bullock say that on TV, in an old interview, last night. I wasn't even in the room with the TV but, God made sure I heard that. She is right. When you let go and let God have a pain He takes it. Forgive and forget. How often we forgive but can't forget. I think this past 2 days has reminded me God has taken that pain and He can give it back any time I want it back. Part of being free from being molested as a 8 year old and again at 13, raped, and verbally abused means God has been hard at work in my life keeping me from feeling that pain. I think feeling that pain made me feel closer to God. But, I do not want to feel that pain so God can take it back and I will know that "not feeling that pain" means God is close to me. If not remembering that pain is God's closeness then I have to remember He is close to me and hard at work in my life.
FORGIVE AND FORGET is not something we humans are capable of doing. Giving it to God is the only way. God has helped me forget the pain. I know it is there just under the surface but I do not need to cry over it or physically feel the pain that it has caused. The scar is there but the pain is eased.
I WIN!!! (if you don't get that then it is for me only)
If you read this to the end here is a message for you."I pray God will help you feel the peace that passes understanding and God bless and protect you too."