Sad

I find myself fighting the sad monster this morning.

For 2 weeks I have cared for Mom and she is doing so much better. Don't get me wrong she has a long way to go but to see her walk without pain is amazing. The nurse told us it will be 6 month of recovery before she will actually be back to what would be called normal. I love taking care of her and watching her progress. In fact I have to slow her down because she is hurting herself. She cannot move her joint as in no crossing legs, no turning the leg inward, no bending beyond touching her knee. These are things she is not remembering to do. The other day I turned around and saw her reaching the floor to pick up something. Freaked me out and I yelled NO!!!!! She is feeling good so she just doesn't think about it. The brain just doesn't get it. Maybe she needs to not take pain pills then she would feel the pain and not do it. Just kidding I do not want her to suffer.

The thing now is I am not taking care of ME. I forget my meds trying to remember hers. I find at the end of the day I didn't take my blood pressure pill. So, I am trying to put myself back to being important. I finally got a good night sleep last night because I took my pill for my back. I am feeling guilty for wanting a day off. I mean Mom can't take a day off from recovery. I am feeling sorry for myself and I know it. I want someone to want to talk to me. I am finding out who really cares around here and who doesn't. OK, not fair, maybe they care they just do not want to take the time it takes to show you they care. I am finding out who will be there for me when the "shit hits the fan". I have been struggling with this for the past 2 weeks. I see who calls and who doesn't. I see who comes by and who doesn't. I am shocked at some that haven't even called Mom or sent a card. I hope this makes me a better person the next time I see someone suffering that I can reach out. I am amazed at the "you need to call and update us" like Mom and I don't have enough on our plates. Now, I am expected to let the world know how she is doing. It isn't my job!!!! So, I am not going to worry about the rest of the world. I cannot change it or anyone in it. Right now my job is here to care for my Mom and that is what God has called me to do. It isn't my job to behave in a manner of how or what everyone else wants me to act. I have a life and it is over full right now. I cannot change anyone hardly even myself. If I do not act the way you want me to act well, that I just have to let go of. We are not in this world to live up to each others expectations. I did learn that like 25 years ago. It is time for me to let go and let God.